Early this morning, I was awoken by a strange dream that seemed to be the result of my subconscious desire to get up and accomplish something. I am quite certain that I figured it out, now, as I write this blog post on a day when I previously decided I would be taking a break from writing, altogether.
Before I explain my theory on the reason for my dream and my sudden, jarring return to consciousness at 2:45 am, let me first describe what I recall from the dream, itself.
I do not recall the reasons why it might have been happening, but I was involved in some sort of a fast chase. Sometimes I was in a car and when I turned a blind corner, I emerged from it on-foot with neither explanation nor confusion. I was deep enough into the dream that I just accepted the senselessness of it. My role in the chase was also fluid; sometimes I was being chased whereas other times I was the one doing the chasing. I never saw the other person, or thing, that was involved. I just knew that I either had to get away from it or catch up to it, somehow.
Occasionally, I would hear a song playing in the background of the dream. It was something I probably heard as background noise during the day, as it is a song that is being used in television commercials lately. The song is Lovely Day by Bill Withers.
I enjoy this song as it is both pleasing to the ear melodically and uplifting lyrically. It makes me think of my wife when I hear it, which is never a bad thing.
There was one part of the song that was a little unsettling, though, as it looped over and over at varying volumes in my dream, providing atmosphere to the strange chase I was involved in. When Bill Withers sings the lyric, “then I look at you, and the world's alright with me,’ the last syllable of the word ‘alright’ was much, much louder than the rest of the song.
When I woke up, I realized that I felt guilty that I wasn’t going to write a blog post for the first time in 19 days, since I started it. Bill Withers was yelling at me to “write.”
I decided to take a brief break, but I think subconsciously I was chasing my resolve to keep going while at the same time running away from the doubts I was having that led me to decide on taking a break to begin with. I don’t know if I have the proper background to be writing a blog like this, and that doubt led me to decide to take a break from it to reassess my motives and goals in continuing, at all.
A reader from Texas, someone I have never met before that came upon my blog through a Facebook suggestion, I believe, asked me, “Can I learn more about your background?”
I began to ask myself whether or not I was qualified in any way to be writing a blog about my recovery. I know that it has been very cathartic for me to free myself from the burden of holding all of this within, and I genuinely believe that owning my problems is empowering me to overcome them. This blog has been useful to me, but if one of my goals is to help people, am I delusional thinking that I have the kind of background that qualifies me to do so?
Just to clarify, I don't believe that the reader from Texas was referring to my educational background. However, that is right where my mind went, and I feel utterly insufficient in that regard to be writing a blog that is intended to be helpful to others even tangentially. I have an Associate's of Arts degree in Criminal Justice and a Bachelor's of Science in Communications with a focus on Telecommunications. I am no sage counsel.
I am afraid I come off as a 'know-it-all,' and maybe I always have. I offer advise, unsolicited, that I have neither the authority nor competence to provide. When people are having a conversation and a subject comes up that I know a little bit about, I provide context and my own insights when neither were asked for. I am very self conscious about this, and I feel like maybe, by doing this, it makes me a bad person. I should mind my own business.
Is writing a blog like this just another avenue for me to be insufferable to everyone else?
Another factor feeding my doubts was a recent incident involving a person whose opinion I value greatly, who both encouraged me to keep writing and questioned whether it was in my best interests to open myself up as much as I am. They were concerned that I would be crushed by withering criticism, and as much as I want to deny it, they may have a point.
I am obviously pretty low this morning, so I will try to remember that while I am not as good as I could be, I'm probably not as awful as I feel like I am. These doubts I have had about my blog started small and have been rolling downhill faster and faster, gathering momentum and becoming insurmountable. But my subconscious demanded I keep going, anyway, so... here I am.
I wrote this post to satisfy my subconscious need to keep going, but my doubts remain. I keep asking myself, even as I type these final words of my post:
Just who the hell do I think I am?