I was bombarded.
It was long overdue, and I heard a lot of harsh, necessary truths all at once from someone who was at their wits end, having held back for the sake of preserving my feelings over the past year and a half. Every word was spoken from the heart, and every moment of it was painful for both of us.
I am devastated, and in many ways I feel lower and lesser for the experience. However, the point is not how it made me feel to endure those hurtful bombs of truth.
The point is what I do, now, that I know for a fact that I have become the worst version of myself.
The advice I was given, after being laid bare and left raw, was to somehow get past it all. I have no idea how to do that, but it seemed as if it was supposed to be the easiest thing in the world to do. I hated myself, already. Hate is a strong word, but apropos. It is the reason why I would treat myself worse than I would ever let anyone else get away with treating a complete stranger, or even someone I intensely disliked.
The phrase 'my own worst enemy' applies in every conceivable way.
So how do I just get past it? How do I show my face now that it has been confirmed by one of the most reliable sources in my life that people really do think the worst things about me?
Be better. That's the gist. I need to be better.
I am plagued by a fairly consistent recurring thought that my death, while tragic to some, would probably spare a lot of people a lot of pain and frustration and disappointment in the long run. I am feeling that way even as I type this blog post. I have fallen so far I can only faintly see the light, anymore.
And then the sun got blotted out by a storm of painful truth, and the rains are filling this hole, I feel like I am stuck at the bottom, and if I don't find a way to start climbing soon, I am going to drown, whether by the wear of stress or by just giving up and accepting that I was once a good person, I let myself become worse and worse, and now I am doomed to die as the worst version of myself, earning the hate I have harbored for myself over the years.
So, I have to start climbing, somehow.
Because I don't like where I am, and I don't want this to be the man people remember when I am gone.
The climb will require me to focus on being better. I am not allowed to say negative things about myself, or post on Facebook asking forgiveness or expressing my remorse. I can do those things, I think.
However, I am skeptical of my ability to show my face among a group of people who have already made their mind up about me and will always believe the worst of me.
I am very low right now. I feel like I have ruined myself, and I don't know if I have it in me anymore to climb out of this hole and keep myself from drowning under the weight of all my mistakes, missteps, and disappointments.
I am devastated, but I will bottle it up. This is my last blog post about how bad I feel, because I can't talk about it anymore; everything I say or do needs to be positive or nothing at all from now on.